I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
