I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Why is there bacon in the couch?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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