hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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