Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My feet surprised me
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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