whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
