NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
