Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
