How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
