I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
