I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Randomize
