I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
