Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
