Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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