my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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