I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
