I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
