He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
