you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊