If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
