My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
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I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
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3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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