dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize