I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
