He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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