i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
