mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
