I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
