she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
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You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
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Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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