my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
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just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
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This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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