There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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