I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
