The maid of honor just puked.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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