your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
