i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
