god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
