Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
