He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I pour the whiskey from now on
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
