i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Randomize
