So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
