the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
