i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
