you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize