So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
