K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
