Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I want her autograph on my taint
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
