I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
