There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
