Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
