He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
