Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
