He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
