I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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