In the future we'll all be gay
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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