Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
