I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
