so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
