That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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